When Is It Okay to Ghost Someone?

What do you do when you don’t have the mental space for people? I tend to pull away from them. I don’t call or text as much, or just make up an excuse for why I haven’t been around.

What do you do when you have people in your life who demand your attention whether you feel like giving it to them or not?  You know, the person who calls over and over again. They can’t take a hint or just don’t care. They’ll send text after text until you give in and call them. Two hours later, you hang up feeling completely drained of all energy and motivation you had before. 

We all have an energy vampire in our lives. The world revolves around them and their problems. Sometimes WE are the energy vampire without even knowing it. They are the people who complain and complain and never take your advice. They call you back a month later to complain some more about that exact same thing, then say they should have taken your advice only to hang up and not take your advice. (I bet you’re drained just reading that alone.)

My cousin used to do that to me. I always felt guilty for avoiding her, so I would eventually give in to a 2-3 hour long conversation about her life. She’ll talk and talk and talk and drain and drain and drain. She’ll only listen to a little bit of my life. Probably because her mouth was going 100mph for the past 3 hours and needed a break. The least she could to do was listen to my life for 5 minutes!

When I stopped being available to her, she would call every single day. She knew I was very busy at the time with school, work, and household duties. I would put my phone on “Do Not Disturb” mode so I could get some peace from her. Yet, my phone still rang and it would be her. I was so confused! Apparently, if you call someone who has their phone on “Do not disturb” back-to-back within the same minute, it will go through. I didn’t know that at the time. This girl was not only a professional energy vampire, but a habitual line crosser.

Fu*k Yo Boundaries!

When I figured it out I was livid. She knew I didn’t want to be bothered, yet she kept calling. I answered the phone and gave her the business the next time she did it. I was furious. Of course, she wasn’t expecting my fury and I looked like the bad guy. I set a boundary and she clearly crossed it. She had to go. I cut her off completely not only for that, but for other things she has done to me through out the years. In a nutshell, I felt like she tried to sabotage me and throw me off my game. It didn’t work.

There’s another person in my life who is starting to do the same thing. She always was a talker and the type to tell you every single detail of a story. There was no short version with her. I know I do that when I write, but at least you can skip through. With her you had to sit there and endure every word of it. There’s no skipping through with jabber jaws. She’s also the type to tell you the same story 20 times. In detail. 

She’s a bit older than me, so when she forgets a word, you have to wait there until she figures out that word. She cannot move on with a story until that word comes to her. Three minutes later, “aaaaah oh that’s right! Meniscus! When I tore my meniscus!” She would get frustrated with me if I didn’t know the word either. Like how am I supposed to know what a meniscus is? Just say the thing in my knee and keep it moving! DANG IT!!!  It happens often and next thing I know its two hours later and I’m hanging up drained. All I want to do is lay down and sleep that feeling off.

How do you deal with people who are angry at life and project it on to you? We all have our own baggage. I’m dealing with my own mess of a life here, and I am literally at a point where I need to focus on getting things together. I have no time for anyone and their nonsense. I can’t lend an ear because I’m trying to show up for myself. How can I give to others when I’m struggling myself? 

I will go mad trying to do it. So, I have been avoiding her and her passive aggressive comments towards me and where I choose to go in my career and life in general. If I take that call, it pulls me away from what I’m trying to work on. Not only for those 2 hours, but for the time it takes me to recover from her energy drain which can be days at times. That’s time I don’t have. 

I know what you might be thinking. You think I should just tell her that I am busy right? I did, but because I don’t tell her WHAT I am doing, she thinks I’m not busy and she pushes herself on me by calling nonstop and making me feel guilty for avoiding her. How do you tell someone they’re draining? In a nice way. I’ve done it. She doesn’t care. The woman wants what she wants and that’s my undivided attention! She’ll text me every single day, even after I tell her I will call when I can. I tell her I’m working on some things I don’t really want to talk about until it’s a success, but she’ll totally ignore it and text random things that aren’t important. Just seeing a text from her starts to boil my blood. Why can’t she just give me some space? Like seriously?

How would you handle that? I’ll tell you how I’m handling it. I blocked her. It’s the first time in our 20-year friendship that I’ve done that. I just really had it. I’m sick of giving myself to people when they demand it. It’s time to work on me. It’s time for me to be there for myself. I will no longer force myself to do something out of guilt. If I truly don’t want to do something, why am I doing it? It’s insane. There are times to put other’s first, but this isn’t the time. I realized that I will never truly heal if I keep putting other people’s needs above my own. 

I decided to ghost her, because I don’t want to hurt her. I still love her as my friend. She’s a good person with some bad qualities. I can’t address them now because I have to fix my own first. All the energy I have is going into me FIRST. Then I can have that conversation with her.

I know I’m not the only one dealing with this. There are people like me out there who have attracted people like this in their lives. We become magnets to these people because they prey on us. I’m not saying all of these people are bad people, but they are oblivious to their own bullshit. You can tell them, but they don’t care. That’s when you walk away. It doesn’t have to be forever. If they’re a true friend, they’ll welcome you back with open arms when you’re good and ready. If not, fuck em. Send them love and move on. If someone is crossing boundaries you’ve clearly set, it is 100% okay to ghost them. You don’t have to be who people demand you to be for their benefit. Show up for yourself for once.

Don’t be a Herbert

I Rise

Thank you for visiting my blog and welcome! I wanted to start this blog for many, many years but always let self-doubt come in the way of it. Not anymore! As I take the first and somewhat scary steps into this blogging journey, I would like to share with you a little about myself and why I chose to blog anonymously.

My story is one of trauma, self-healing and triumph. I will write and share with you every aspect of my life without hesitation. It will be like therapy for me, but at the same time I hope to connect with and relate to people out there who have had similar experiences as mine. By remaining anonymous I can share things with you that I probably would not share otherwise. I want to be able to write freely without fear of backlash from people who know me. Writing anonymously allows me to share my most authentic self, without filtering what I say about myself and others. In turn, you get an my honest and real story without dancing around what I really want to say in fear of being judged. I know that there’s a chance of someone coming across my blog who may know me and may figure out who I am. If that’s the case, then congratulations! You win absolutely nothing! I want YOU to know it’s okay. I am not hiding. I’m just hidden. 😉

I always knew that writing about my life would help people, but people aren’t always nice and I feared I would be ridiculed. Although I’ve grown a lot since then and understand a troll will be a troll, no one wants to be attacked by strangers or by the people in their life because they feel like they’re being exposed. With that said, blogging anonymously will protect my immediate and extended family as well as myself. Even though my family have caused me a great deal of pain, I don’t want anyone going after them. I am in the process of forgiving them. I want to move on from them and not interested in reconciling, but at the same time I don’t want to stir up more trouble. I just want the dust to settle so I can move on with my life. I deserve that much.

I know I am not the only person who has experienced childhood trauma, homelessness, being a teen mom and single parent, navigating life with no family support, choosing bad partners, and having to turn to the government for help and being shamed for it by people who have no idea what struggle and real pain looks like. We don’t get to choose our circumstances and what we are born into, so we should never be ashamed of that. I hope to create a space where people like me feel safe, seen and heard.

As far as labeling this blog into a category, I don’t want to. Plain and simple. I will be talking about life and everything in between. I talk about God, but don’t worry. I’m not here to preach, but to praise God for how far he has brought me. My first blog post will be my testimony. I encourage you to read it whether you’re religious or not. It was hard for me to share that story, but I felt God wanted me to. Writing my testimony gave me the courage to start my blog. I’ll share my journey from being a high school dropout, single mom working dead-end jobs who was once homeless, to receiving a college degree, marrying my soulmate and moving to my dream city! The last part all happened within the last year! *Pssssst* The secret is gratitude. 😉

I love to cook, and people tell me I do it well. I’d love to share that with you. My husband and I are looking to embark on new endeavors and adventures. I’d love to share that journey as well. So, you can see why it would be hard for me to categorize this blog. However, if I must choose, then you can consider this a lifestyle blog/magazine. I would love to have guest writers who can share their experiences, advice and stories. My target audience would be anyone interested in taking a peak into my life, but I would love to reach anyone looking to connect with a person who has or had the same life experiences. People who are lost, broken and looking for hope.

Lastly, I want the tone of this blog to be of positivity and hope. I want it to reflect forgiveness, kindness, but most importantly love. I want people to know it’s ok to be kind to the world, even though the world hasn’t been kind to you. By doing so, we can begin to create a world filled with love. Im doing my part by sharing my story and encouraging others that they can change their circumstances if they choose love and gratitude. If I help only one person realize they can do anything and obtain anything they want if they change their mindset, it would be worth it for me. If you follow me, you will read about people I am still trying to fully forgive, so my tone in speaking about them might not be the greatest. Im still working on it. Although I want this to be about showing love and forgiveness, I am human and sometimes lack in that department. I fall victim to pettiness when I am provoked by people who want to see me fall hard. I am a work in progress and don’t claim to be perfect.

What I want to achieve with this blog in the long run is to share my personal stories and share what I did to achieve my goals. I used to think my situation would never change. For a long time, I thought I would work as a lunch lady at that dead-end job for the rest of my life, until one day I decided that I am not settling for that. I wanted more. I deserve more than to be overlooked by people who didn’t even make much more than me at the time. When I did that, God took care of the rest. I want you to realize your own power. You have it. It’s in there! I feel like I have so many stories to share that can encourage people and give them hope, and I cannot wait to share them now that I am here! You can overcome anything.

So here I am. Putting myself out there without putting myself out there. Here goes something! 🙂

There I go!